Day 24: Voices

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed


Runtime: TBD Year: TBD


Plot: A girl keeps almost getting murdered due to a curse and there is a mysterious guy who seems to know what is going on.

Review: It was decent. If it were American, it would have probably sucked. I think it was Japanese but the box does not say. There was an obese person. The obese rarely make it in probably-Japanese movies and that made it special.

Day 23: Warriors of Terra

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: TBD Year: TBD

Plot: A group of animal activists break into a lab where someone has escaped and is killing everyone.

Review: Completely decent movie until the end where it tries to be suspenseful. There is furious typing and hobbling. If people have been getting killed for over an hour, it is pretty dull to watch someone type fast and someone else limp about. Running? Okay. Grabbing weapons? Good idea. Barricading stuff while someone tries to break through? Entertaining. But typing is one of the most mundane things one can do and limping is a pretty slow method of transportation.

Day 22: The Hourglass Sanatorium

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: TBD Year: TBD


Plot: A man looks for his father in a sanatorium but ends up in wibbly wobbly timey wimey adventure with multiple hats.

Review: It was Polish. There were a lot of Jews. Like the guy walks down some stairs and there are at least 3 dozen. Then he will like go under a bed, end up in Africa or Mexico or something and then a bunch of Jewish dudes. There is also a little creep wearing all stripes. I loved it, but it made absolutely no sense. It was a struggle to come up with a one sentence summary.

Day 21: The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: TBD Year: TBD

Plot: A scoundrel joins circus folk who happen to be lead by a guy who promised his daughter's soul to the devil.

Review: I like jellyfish in space, people's faces changing, deserts in places deserts don't belong, little people, random shards of mirror floating about, and giant ladders that become stilts. Luckily, the movie had all of that. It was incredibly entertaining. I think Heath Ledger died during the making of it and they use the best plot device ever to hide it. If I am wrong and he didn't die during the making of it, it is kind of a shame because just replacing a dead actor with a bunch of other actors is just the way it should be done. Even with the long run time, it held my attention.

Day 20: Black Dahlia

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: TBD Year: TBD

Plot: Josh Hartnett tries to solve a murder

Review: Really really really slow. There are plot twists but it takes so long to get to them I don't even think they count. The wardrobe was pretty sweet. There were lots of good hats. Every murder mystery needs a creepy clown painting. It was cute that Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart were besties who boxed and solved crimes together and call themselves Mr. Fire and Mr. Ice. If the movie had been cut down to an hour, it could have been rad. Unfortunately, it wasn't

Day 19: The Hills Have Eyes 2

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: TBD Year: TBD

Plot: A group of National Guard trainees get killed/tortured/raped by a group of inbred mutants.

Review: First off, by having the protagonists all be dressed in tan in the desert makes for a very boring color palette. It also makes all the times they don't just shoot the creeps that much more infuriating. The cast was pretty rad. It included Flex Alexander (Snakes On A Plane) and some girl from 90210 (the new series). It wasn't as gorey as I feared. The acting was hilarious and inbred mountain folks are probably the scariest murderers there are.

Day 18: Immortel Ad Vitam

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: TBD Year:TBD

Plot: Horus (the god) comes back to a futuristic world to impregnate a mutant with blue hair while in the body of a man with a metal leg.

Review: This is absolutely the hardest movie to pay attention to even while looking at the screen the whole time. So much weird shit happens in the background that it is impossible to focus on everything. Also Horus who is a man with a bird head talks through his neck. Some people are computer animated. Some are not. Oh and weird little dudes come out of the walls. So entertaining

Day 16: Evil Bong

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: TBD Year: TBD

Plot: A bong steals souls.

Review: Entertaining. Moved quickly. Kick-ass guest appearances including (but not limited to) Tim Thomerson and Tommy Chong. The broads in it were remarkably unfierce. The scenes of the people getting trapped in the bong were rad, as were the musical interludes. Great set design.

Day 17: Kill Theory

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: TBD Year: TBD

Plot: A group of friends must kill each other until one survivor remains.

Review: It is a perfectly decent movie. The best part is that the great Taryn Manning is in it. Also the fat gay guy from Mean Girls is there and attempts to get all up on Taryn Manning. It is rather good but forgettable.

Day 15: Bladerunner

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: TBD Year: TBD

Plot: Harrison Ford fights replicants.

Review: Oh wow....It sucked. It may have had something to do with me having a hard time grasping what a replicant was since it wasn't really clear until about my 100th question as to what was going on. The plot was kind of like algebra. I could understand every word, but as far as stringing them together in a sentence- I was completely lost. It could be either my horrible attention span or that it is just a crap movie (though the votes seem to indicate it is my horrible attention span). Darryl Hannah has really really bad hair. Harrison Ford is always too arrogant for my taste, but he manages to pull of bumbling and arrogant in a completely non-charming way. Ugh.

Day 14: Shoot 'Em Up

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: 86 minutes Year: TBD

Plot: Clive Owen does lots of shooting. The reason for the shooting is that Clive Owen finds a baby, and Paul Giamatti is not happy about it. So Clive Owen gets a lactating hooker to help him out.

Review: The title pretty much said it all. It leaves out that Clive Owen's second choice weapon is a carrot and many a person gets their face impaled with a carrot. Also, carrots seem to be a proper alternative to fingers in pulling a trigger. Clive Owen delivers the baby right before the mother gets shot and cuts the umbilical cord with a gun. He makes contraptions for shooting guns. There is a skydiving scene with what else? A gunfight. And after all the problems are resolved, Clive Owen happens to be at a diner right as it gets robbed by people with guns. The movie ends with another shoot out. It was entertaining enough, but I certainly wouldn't watch it again. I think I may have grown a penis in the process of watching it.

Day 13: Right At Your Door

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: TBD Year: TBD

Plot: A dirty bomb goes off in L.A.

Review: Most. Depressing. Movie. Ever. High quality, but it will ruin your day.

Day 12: The Final

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: 99 minutes Year: 2010

Plot: Tired of being bullied, a group of outcasts crash a costume party in masks, drug the punch, tie everyone together, and promise to torture them. The outcasts crash a costume party in masks, drug the punch, tie everyone together, and promise to torture them.

Review:  I guessed what the death order would be: slut, slut, black guy, slut, white guy, slut, white guy or something close to that. Then the day would be saved by the most virginal girl. Instead, white guys got tortured more than any other group. The black guy is smart enough to grab the weapon of a dead cop while running away, and saves the day. Another great moment: the one outcast girl simulates single-tear crying through her mask.

I am so used to horror movies being the most racist and sexist genre with absolutely no morals. This had nothing but morals. If you are having problems, building a sense of community is the best way to solve it. Don't be mean to people because they may want revenge. Don't be racist or you may get some spikes through the crotch. Don't be shallow because you may end up with acid on your face. Don't chop off your really nice girlfriend's fingers, because some Degrassi kid may sever your spinal cord. Always have an exit strategy. And most importantly, if running for your life, ALWAYS GRAB THE FIRST WEAPON YOU CAN FIND.

Day 11: The Boy In The Plastic Bubble

Method of Acquisition: Youtube

Runtime: TBA Year: TBD

Plot: John Travolta is in a bubble because he has no immune system and gets a really bitchy girlfriend who likes horses.

Review: Fucking bullshit. I watched it because it is notoriously bad and was free on youtube. As far as crappy made for tv movies go, it is totally rad for awhile. Papa Brady plays the dad. Lots of bad dialogue. Everything is super predictable. My favorite scene is when his bitch girlfriend (who is not yet his girlfriend), she holds his hand on a dare, tells him it was a dare, so John Travolta starts convulsing and screaming and then goes to the hospital for a week...because he asked to. But the bullshit ending- he leaves his bubble and rides off into the fucking sunrise with his bitch girlfriend and somehow doesn't die! That is how these movies are supposed to end- the sick guy dying. But no....

Day 10: The Last Song

Method of Acquisition: Parents' Pay-Per-View

Runtime: 107 minutes Year: 2010

Plot: Miley Cyrus is REALLY REALLY REBELLIOUS. She goes to the south from her home in New York City, sea turtles hatch, and falls in love with this arrogant Aryan guy.  Then her dad gets cancer, she dumps the arrogant Aryan, plays the piano, and arrogant Aryan and rebellious Miley decide to move to New York.

Review: In the first scene, it is obvious that Miley is really rebellious because she mouths off to her dad and wears all black to the beach! At this point, arrogant Aryan spills a milkshake on her, she is fucking pissed, and he continues to hit on her. I announced at this point that 45 minutes into the movie, she would be wearing pastels. It happened at 41 minutes. So awesomely predictable! Listening to Miley Cyrus sing and be told she is a really good singer is funny. Watching her play a yankee badass is even funnier. The cancer was kind of a bummer but Nicolaus Sparks to be down for crappy romance and cancer. It is like his bread and butter.

Day 9: Trancers 3 & 4

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtimes: 75 minutes, tba Years: 1992, 1994

Plot: Jack Deth travels from 1992 to 2353 to 2005 and then to another dimension where there are vampires.

Review: The Trancers series is fucking amazing! Helen Hunt is only in the third one for about 5 seconds and Jack gets a reptillian android as a new bestie and just when he gets told at the end of Trancers 3 that they are now partners, Trancers 4 opens with Jack turning him into a lamp. The Trancers get even better since in the first 2 movies they are basically zombies. The third, they are soldiers that control their tranciness. The fourth they are vampire nobles. Fucking awesome.

Day 8: The Baxter

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: 91 minutes Year: 2005

Plot: Romantic comedy. Enough said.

Review: After the barrage of testosterone driven movies I have been loaned by my incredibly generous friends, I thought that the girliest movie in the stack would be a nice change of pace. The cast seemed pretty rad as well. Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black is always a sign of awesomeness. It wasn't awesome. The protagonist's deal was that he was "the Baxter" or "the nice guy". Despite this, he kind of treats Michelle Williams like shit while simultaneously claiming to be "the nice guy". It was one of those movies that shows a snippet of the ending first thing. It was predictable and the ending can be guessed in about the first minute (even if they didn't show it). But when a movie sucks, I like to cling to the hope that tragedy will strike all the characters. If there was a gigantic earthquake or a terrorist attack halfway through, it would have been a way better movie. The main positive was that the singing portions were short and sweet. Had they done long drawn out musical performances, I would have needed to turn it off. It does draw out the actual ending. There is a scene after the first round of credits and another after the second round. 90 minutes is kind of my limit with movies and if the extra scenes had been cut out it would have been a comfortable 89. 91 was just far too much for this.

Day 7: Cool World

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: 101 minutes Year: 1992

Plot: Brad Pitt enters into a cartoon world and has adventures with its creator and its inhabitants.

Review: The visuals are rad but by no means high quality. Even for 1992, the animation is not great however that just adds to the charm. The plot is secondary to the action. For example, Brad Pitt leaves the 40s, goes to the other world, and then goes back to the real world but in the 1990s and doesn't bat an eye. As far as I can tell, having him come from the 1940s was purely to justify his choice in suits. The roles of women are kind of pathetic. Holli Would, the main female character, is kind of just a crazy whore. Brad Pitt's animated girlfriend does nothing but whine. While not a feminist masterpiece, it serves its purpose. The back of the box uses the word "splashy". It fits.

Day 6: Franklyn

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: 98 minutes Year: 2008

Plot: In religious London, Ryan Phillippe is an angry mask wearing dude, fake Ian Curtis has an imaginary friend, an angst filled artist likes suicide, and a guy is looking for his son.

Review: It is a bad idea to wait until the end of the day when you are dead tired to watch a movie with multiple narratives. Luckily the costuming and casting were pretty fun so I didn't mind that I was confused as to what was going on. Sam Riley from Control was in it and so I decided he was Ian Curtis. Also since Ryan Phillippe generally gets a lot of pretty boy roles, I like to think he put on the mask was a way of uglying himself for an Oscar (i.e. Charlize Theron, Nicole Kidman, etc).The ending is pretty rad and all the story lines intersect. And there is a good long creepy bit of silent eye contact. I'd totally watch it again.

Day 5: Artifacts

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: 75 minutes Year: 2007

Plot: A group of friends that don't remember how they met keep getting killed by their doubles who are tracking them through "artefacts".

Review: This is the Schindler's List of crap movies. First off the set design includes rotary phones, lava lamps, and indoor wind chimes. Despite the title being Artifacts, they misspell it as "artefacts" in a search engine. The only crying is single-tear crying. A mysterious man named Carl Francken appears and does nothing but give incredibly vague yet helpful advice and saves the day. In 75 minutes, it does nothing but provide mass entertainment.

Day 4: Serial Mom

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: 94 minutes Year: 1994

Plot: Exactly what it sounds like: a mom goes on a serial killing spree.

Review: First off it is a John Waters movie. I tend to love most things campy. Also there was a reasonable body count, something that the atrocity that is Shutter, did not have. The gore wasn't too gory.  The cast was rad: Kathleen Turner, Ricki Lake, Matthew Lillard, Patty Hearst, and a special guest appearance by Suzanne Somers (just to name a few). After years of Lifetime movies, I am used to getting bored once the crimes are committed and it goes to the courtroom. The courtroom scenes remain just as entertaining as the rest of movie. The only complaint I can muster is that John Waters did not make the Serial Mom miniseries starring Suzanne Somers that is mentioned in the movie. Kathleen Turner should really look for more roles in which she gets to scream "cocksucker" at Mink Stole. Incredibly entertaining.

Day 3: Shutter

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: 90 minutes Year: 2008

Plot: Pacey from Dawson's Creek let his ex get raped, so she comes back as a ghost and terrorizes him,his wife, and his friends mostly by showing up in photographs.

Review: Pretty crap. Nobody was likable. Pacey was an asshole and Mrs. Pacey did nothing but whine and look really sincere. I love 90 minute movies because they move pretty quickly, but instead it was "suspenseful". Suspense generally just means waiting for something to good happen and nothing good happened until the very end. Pacey's wife leaves him and so he starts snapping Polaroids and screaming the ghost. He throws the camera and somehow manages to snap a picture of himself. It turns out that the ghost has been straddling his neck since the very beginning and so he electrocutes himself in the neck and head. Then time has passed and he is in a hospital looking brain-damaged with the ghost on his back. At the very least, the suspense did eventually lead up to an ending I wouldn't have predicted, even if it did suck.

Day 2: Purple Rain

Method of Acquisition: Borrowed

Runtime: 111 Minutes Year: 1984

Plot: Prince is a very talented musician from an abusive home and Morris Day is trying to ruin his life by taking his women and gigs.

Review: This movie has everything I love about movies: musical montages, predictability, slap fights, and amazing wardrobe. The only major downside was that no one had a single tear falling down their face. There was a lot of dry crying and symmetrical crying but no single tears. The absolute best moment is while Prince is passionately singing about his comatose father and kisses one of the girls in the band on the cheek. She gets the best, most creeped out face ever. Also, it ends on a freeze frame of a big face. Big face endings are my favorite.

Day 1: UHF

Method of acquisition: Borrowed
Runtime: 97 minutes Year: 1989

Plot: Weird Al goes from fast food clerk to running his own television station which becomes a hit overnight much to the dismay of a rival station owner.

Review: Everything in this movie can be put into at least one of these two categories: wackiness or physical comedy. Michael Richards plays a janitor who gets his own television show and has big teeth! How wacky! There is a battle where Weird Al has really big muscles! Even more wacky! Many of the new television shows that Weird Al puts on the station are wacky spoofs. A really awesome trophy makes a cameo and a good trophy can make up for a lot. All in all, it was awesomely predictable, but not as awesomely bad as I had hoped for.