Method of Acquisition: Borrowed
Runtime: 99 minutes Year: 2010
Plot: Tired of being bullied, a group of outcasts crash a costume party in masks, drug the punch, tie everyone together, and promise to torture them. The outcasts crash a costume party in masks, drug the punch, tie everyone together, and promise to torture them.
Review: I guessed what the death order would be: slut, slut, black guy, slut, white guy, slut, white guy or something close to that. Then the day would be saved by the most virginal girl. Instead, white guys got tortured more than any other group. The black guy is smart enough to grab the weapon of a dead cop while running away, and saves the day. Another great moment: the one outcast girl simulates single-tear crying through her mask.
I am so used to horror movies being the most racist and sexist genre with absolutely no morals. This had nothing but morals. If you are having problems, building a sense of community is the best way to solve it. Don't be mean to people because they may want revenge. Don't be racist or you may get some spikes through the crotch. Don't be shallow because you may end up with acid on your face. Don't chop off your really nice girlfriend's fingers, because some Degrassi kid may sever your spinal cord. Always have an exit strategy. And most importantly, if running for your life, ALWAYS GRAB THE FIRST WEAPON YOU CAN FIND.
Showing posts with label former teen star. Show all posts
Showing posts with label former teen star. Show all posts
Monday, September 6, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Day 10: The Last Song
Method of Acquisition: Parents' Pay-Per-View
Runtime: 107 minutes Year: 2010
Plot: Miley Cyrus is REALLY REALLY REBELLIOUS. She goes to the south from her home in New York City, sea turtles hatch, and falls in love with this arrogant Aryan guy. Then her dad gets cancer, she dumps the arrogant Aryan, plays the piano, and arrogant Aryan and rebellious Miley decide to move to New York.
Review: In the first scene, it is obvious that Miley is really rebellious because she mouths off to her dad and wears all black to the beach! At this point, arrogant Aryan spills a milkshake on her, she is fucking pissed, and he continues to hit on her. I announced at this point that 45 minutes into the movie, she would be wearing pastels. It happened at 41 minutes. So awesomely predictable! Listening to Miley Cyrus sing and be told she is a really good singer is funny. Watching her play a yankee badass is even funnier. The cancer was kind of a bummer but Nicolaus Sparks to be down for crappy romance and cancer. It is like his bread and butter.
Runtime: 107 minutes Year: 2010
Plot: Miley Cyrus is REALLY REALLY REBELLIOUS. She goes to the south from her home in New York City, sea turtles hatch, and falls in love with this arrogant Aryan guy. Then her dad gets cancer, she dumps the arrogant Aryan, plays the piano, and arrogant Aryan and rebellious Miley decide to move to New York.
Review: In the first scene, it is obvious that Miley is really rebellious because she mouths off to her dad and wears all black to the beach! At this point, arrogant Aryan spills a milkshake on her, she is fucking pissed, and he continues to hit on her. I announced at this point that 45 minutes into the movie, she would be wearing pastels. It happened at 41 minutes. So awesomely predictable! Listening to Miley Cyrus sing and be told she is a really good singer is funny. Watching her play a yankee badass is even funnier. The cancer was kind of a bummer but Nicolaus Sparks to be down for crappy romance and cancer. It is like his bread and butter.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Day 6: Franklyn
Method of Acquisition: Borrowed
Runtime: 98 minutes Year: 2008
Plot: In religious London, Ryan Phillippe is an angry mask wearing dude, fake Ian Curtis has an imaginary friend, an angst filled artist likes suicide, and a guy is looking for his son.
Review: It is a bad idea to wait until the end of the day when you are dead tired to watch a movie with multiple narratives. Luckily the costuming and casting were pretty fun so I didn't mind that I was confused as to what was going on. Sam Riley from Control was in it and so I decided he was Ian Curtis. Also since Ryan Phillippe generally gets a lot of pretty boy roles, I like to think he put on the mask was a way of uglying himself for an Oscar (i.e. Charlize Theron, Nicole Kidman, etc).The ending is pretty rad and all the story lines intersect. And there is a good long creepy bit of silent eye contact. I'd totally watch it again.
Runtime: 98 minutes Year: 2008
Plot: In religious London, Ryan Phillippe is an angry mask wearing dude, fake Ian Curtis has an imaginary friend, an angst filled artist likes suicide, and a guy is looking for his son.
Review: It is a bad idea to wait until the end of the day when you are dead tired to watch a movie with multiple narratives. Luckily the costuming and casting were pretty fun so I didn't mind that I was confused as to what was going on. Sam Riley from Control was in it and so I decided he was Ian Curtis. Also since Ryan Phillippe generally gets a lot of pretty boy roles, I like to think he put on the mask was a way of uglying himself for an Oscar (i.e. Charlize Theron, Nicole Kidman, etc).The ending is pretty rad and all the story lines intersect. And there is a good long creepy bit of silent eye contact. I'd totally watch it again.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Day 4: Serial Mom
Runtime: 94 minutes Year: 1994
Plot: Exactly what it sounds like: a mom goes on a serial killing spree.
Review: First off it is a John Waters movie. I tend to love most things campy. Also there was a reasonable body count, something that the atrocity that is Shutter, did not have. The gore wasn't too gory. The cast was rad: Kathleen Turner, Ricki Lake, Matthew Lillard, Patty Hearst, and a special guest appearance by Suzanne Somers (just to name a few). After years of Lifetime movies, I am used to getting bored once the crimes are committed and it goes to the courtroom. The courtroom scenes remain just as entertaining as the rest of movie. The only complaint I can muster is that John Waters did not make the Serial Mom miniseries starring Suzanne Somers that is mentioned in the movie. Kathleen Turner should really look for more roles in which she gets to scream "cocksucker" at Mink Stole. Incredibly entertaining.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Day 3: Shutter
Method of Acquisition: Borrowed
Runtime: 90 minutes Year: 2008
Plot: Pacey from Dawson's Creek let his ex get raped, so she comes back as a ghost and terrorizes him,his wife, and his friends mostly by showing up in photographs.
Review: Pretty crap. Nobody was likable. Pacey was an asshole and Mrs. Pacey did nothing but whine and look really sincere. I love 90 minute movies because they move pretty quickly, but instead it was "suspenseful". Suspense generally just means waiting for something to good happen and nothing good happened until the very end. Pacey's wife leaves him and so he starts snapping Polaroids and screaming the ghost. He throws the camera and somehow manages to snap a picture of himself. It turns out that the ghost has been straddling his neck since the very beginning and so he electrocutes himself in the neck and head. Then time has passed and he is in a hospital looking brain-damaged with the ghost on his back. At the very least, the suspense did eventually lead up to an ending I wouldn't have predicted, even if it did suck.
Runtime: 90 minutes Year: 2008
Plot: Pacey from Dawson's Creek let his ex get raped, so she comes back as a ghost and terrorizes him,his wife, and his friends mostly by showing up in photographs.
Review: Pretty crap. Nobody was likable. Pacey was an asshole and Mrs. Pacey did nothing but whine and look really sincere. I love 90 minute movies because they move pretty quickly, but instead it was "suspenseful". Suspense generally just means waiting for something to good happen and nothing good happened until the very end. Pacey's wife leaves him and so he starts snapping Polaroids and screaming the ghost. He throws the camera and somehow manages to snap a picture of himself. It turns out that the ghost has been straddling his neck since the very beginning and so he electrocutes himself in the neck and head. Then time has passed and he is in a hospital looking brain-damaged with the ghost on his back. At the very least, the suspense did eventually lead up to an ending I wouldn't have predicted, even if it did suck.
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