Method of Acquisition: Borrowed
Runtime: TBD Year: TBD
Plot: A dirty bomb goes off in L.A.
Review: Most. Depressing. Movie. Ever. High quality, but it will ruin your day.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Day 12: The Final
Method of Acquisition: Borrowed
Runtime: 99 minutes Year: 2010
Plot: Tired of being bullied, a group of outcasts crash a costume party in masks, drug the punch, tie everyone together, and promise to torture them. The outcasts crash a costume party in masks, drug the punch, tie everyone together, and promise to torture them.
Review: I guessed what the death order would be: slut, slut, black guy, slut, white guy, slut, white guy or something close to that. Then the day would be saved by the most virginal girl. Instead, white guys got tortured more than any other group. The black guy is smart enough to grab the weapon of a dead cop while running away, and saves the day. Another great moment: the one outcast girl simulates single-tear crying through her mask.
I am so used to horror movies being the most racist and sexist genre with absolutely no morals. This had nothing but morals. If you are having problems, building a sense of community is the best way to solve it. Don't be mean to people because they may want revenge. Don't be racist or you may get some spikes through the crotch. Don't be shallow because you may end up with acid on your face. Don't chop off your really nice girlfriend's fingers, because some Degrassi kid may sever your spinal cord. Always have an exit strategy. And most importantly, if running for your life, ALWAYS GRAB THE FIRST WEAPON YOU CAN FIND.
Runtime: 99 minutes Year: 2010
Plot: Tired of being bullied, a group of outcasts crash a costume party in masks, drug the punch, tie everyone together, and promise to torture them. The outcasts crash a costume party in masks, drug the punch, tie everyone together, and promise to torture them.
Review: I guessed what the death order would be: slut, slut, black guy, slut, white guy, slut, white guy or something close to that. Then the day would be saved by the most virginal girl. Instead, white guys got tortured more than any other group. The black guy is smart enough to grab the weapon of a dead cop while running away, and saves the day. Another great moment: the one outcast girl simulates single-tear crying through her mask.
I am so used to horror movies being the most racist and sexist genre with absolutely no morals. This had nothing but morals. If you are having problems, building a sense of community is the best way to solve it. Don't be mean to people because they may want revenge. Don't be racist or you may get some spikes through the crotch. Don't be shallow because you may end up with acid on your face. Don't chop off your really nice girlfriend's fingers, because some Degrassi kid may sever your spinal cord. Always have an exit strategy. And most importantly, if running for your life, ALWAYS GRAB THE FIRST WEAPON YOU CAN FIND.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Day 11: The Boy In The Plastic Bubble
Method of Acquisition: Youtube
Runtime: TBA Year: TBD
Plot: John Travolta is in a bubble because he has no immune system and gets a really bitchy girlfriend who likes horses.
Review: Fucking bullshit. I watched it because it is notoriously bad and was free on youtube. As far as crappy made for tv movies go, it is totally rad for awhile. Papa Brady plays the dad. Lots of bad dialogue. Everything is super predictable. My favorite scene is when his bitch girlfriend (who is not yet his girlfriend), she holds his hand on a dare, tells him it was a dare, so John Travolta starts convulsing and screaming and then goes to the hospital for a week...because he asked to. But the bullshit ending- he leaves his bubble and rides off into the fucking sunrise with his bitch girlfriend and somehow doesn't die! That is how these movies are supposed to end- the sick guy dying. But no....
Runtime: TBA Year: TBD
Plot: John Travolta is in a bubble because he has no immune system and gets a really bitchy girlfriend who likes horses.
Review: Fucking bullshit. I watched it because it is notoriously bad and was free on youtube. As far as crappy made for tv movies go, it is totally rad for awhile. Papa Brady plays the dad. Lots of bad dialogue. Everything is super predictable. My favorite scene is when his bitch girlfriend (who is not yet his girlfriend), she holds his hand on a dare, tells him it was a dare, so John Travolta starts convulsing and screaming and then goes to the hospital for a week...because he asked to. But the bullshit ending- he leaves his bubble and rides off into the fucking sunrise with his bitch girlfriend and somehow doesn't die! That is how these movies are supposed to end- the sick guy dying. But no....
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Day 10: The Last Song
Method of Acquisition: Parents' Pay-Per-View
Runtime: 107 minutes Year: 2010
Plot: Miley Cyrus is REALLY REALLY REBELLIOUS. She goes to the south from her home in New York City, sea turtles hatch, and falls in love with this arrogant Aryan guy. Then her dad gets cancer, she dumps the arrogant Aryan, plays the piano, and arrogant Aryan and rebellious Miley decide to move to New York.
Review: In the first scene, it is obvious that Miley is really rebellious because she mouths off to her dad and wears all black to the beach! At this point, arrogant Aryan spills a milkshake on her, she is fucking pissed, and he continues to hit on her. I announced at this point that 45 minutes into the movie, she would be wearing pastels. It happened at 41 minutes. So awesomely predictable! Listening to Miley Cyrus sing and be told she is a really good singer is funny. Watching her play a yankee badass is even funnier. The cancer was kind of a bummer but Nicolaus Sparks to be down for crappy romance and cancer. It is like his bread and butter.
Runtime: 107 minutes Year: 2010
Plot: Miley Cyrus is REALLY REALLY REBELLIOUS. She goes to the south from her home in New York City, sea turtles hatch, and falls in love with this arrogant Aryan guy. Then her dad gets cancer, she dumps the arrogant Aryan, plays the piano, and arrogant Aryan and rebellious Miley decide to move to New York.
Review: In the first scene, it is obvious that Miley is really rebellious because she mouths off to her dad and wears all black to the beach! At this point, arrogant Aryan spills a milkshake on her, she is fucking pissed, and he continues to hit on her. I announced at this point that 45 minutes into the movie, she would be wearing pastels. It happened at 41 minutes. So awesomely predictable! Listening to Miley Cyrus sing and be told she is a really good singer is funny. Watching her play a yankee badass is even funnier. The cancer was kind of a bummer but Nicolaus Sparks to be down for crappy romance and cancer. It is like his bread and butter.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Day 9: Trancers 3 & 4
Method of Acquisition: Borrowed
Runtimes: 75 minutes, tba Years: 1992, 1994
Plot: Jack Deth travels from 1992 to 2353 to 2005 and then to another dimension where there are vampires.
Review: The Trancers series is fucking amazing! Helen Hunt is only in the third one for about 5 seconds and Jack gets a reptillian android as a new bestie and just when he gets told at the end of Trancers 3 that they are now partners, Trancers 4 opens with Jack turning him into a lamp. The Trancers get even better since in the first 2 movies they are basically zombies. The third, they are soldiers that control their tranciness. The fourth they are vampire nobles. Fucking awesome.
Runtimes: 75 minutes, tba Years: 1992, 1994
Plot: Jack Deth travels from 1992 to 2353 to 2005 and then to another dimension where there are vampires.
Review: The Trancers series is fucking amazing! Helen Hunt is only in the third one for about 5 seconds and Jack gets a reptillian android as a new bestie and just when he gets told at the end of Trancers 3 that they are now partners, Trancers 4 opens with Jack turning him into a lamp. The Trancers get even better since in the first 2 movies they are basically zombies. The third, they are soldiers that control their tranciness. The fourth they are vampire nobles. Fucking awesome.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Day 8: The Baxter
Method of Acquisition: Borrowed
Runtime: 91 minutes Year: 2005
Plot: Romantic comedy. Enough said.
Review: After the barrage of testosterone driven movies I have been loaned by my incredibly generous friends, I thought that the girliest movie in the stack would be a nice change of pace. The cast seemed pretty rad as well. Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black is always a sign of awesomeness. It wasn't awesome. The protagonist's deal was that he was "the Baxter" or "the nice guy". Despite this, he kind of treats Michelle Williams like shit while simultaneously claiming to be "the nice guy". It was one of those movies that shows a snippet of the ending first thing. It was predictable and the ending can be guessed in about the first minute (even if they didn't show it). But when a movie sucks, I like to cling to the hope that tragedy will strike all the characters. If there was a gigantic earthquake or a terrorist attack halfway through, it would have been a way better movie. The main positive was that the singing portions were short and sweet. Had they done long drawn out musical performances, I would have needed to turn it off. It does draw out the actual ending. There is a scene after the first round of credits and another after the second round. 90 minutes is kind of my limit with movies and if the extra scenes had been cut out it would have been a comfortable 89. 91 was just far too much for this.
Runtime: 91 minutes Year: 2005
Plot: Romantic comedy. Enough said.
Review: After the barrage of testosterone driven movies I have been loaned by my incredibly generous friends, I thought that the girliest movie in the stack would be a nice change of pace. The cast seemed pretty rad as well. Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black is always a sign of awesomeness. It wasn't awesome. The protagonist's deal was that he was "the Baxter" or "the nice guy". Despite this, he kind of treats Michelle Williams like shit while simultaneously claiming to be "the nice guy". It was one of those movies that shows a snippet of the ending first thing. It was predictable and the ending can be guessed in about the first minute (even if they didn't show it). But when a movie sucks, I like to cling to the hope that tragedy will strike all the characters. If there was a gigantic earthquake or a terrorist attack halfway through, it would have been a way better movie. The main positive was that the singing portions were short and sweet. Had they done long drawn out musical performances, I would have needed to turn it off. It does draw out the actual ending. There is a scene after the first round of credits and another after the second round. 90 minutes is kind of my limit with movies and if the extra scenes had been cut out it would have been a comfortable 89. 91 was just far too much for this.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Day 7: Cool World
Method of Acquisition: Borrowed
Runtime: 101 minutes Year: 1992
Plot: Brad Pitt enters into a cartoon world and has adventures with its creator and its inhabitants.
Review: The visuals are rad but by no means high quality. Even for 1992, the animation is not great however that just adds to the charm. The plot is secondary to the action. For example, Brad Pitt leaves the 40s, goes to the other world, and then goes back to the real world but in the 1990s and doesn't bat an eye. As far as I can tell, having him come from the 1940s was purely to justify his choice in suits. The roles of women are kind of pathetic. Holli Would, the main female character, is kind of just a crazy whore. Brad Pitt's animated girlfriend does nothing but whine. While not a feminist masterpiece, it serves its purpose. The back of the box uses the word "splashy". It fits.
Runtime: 101 minutes Year: 1992
Plot: Brad Pitt enters into a cartoon world and has adventures with its creator and its inhabitants.
Review: The visuals are rad but by no means high quality. Even for 1992, the animation is not great however that just adds to the charm. The plot is secondary to the action. For example, Brad Pitt leaves the 40s, goes to the other world, and then goes back to the real world but in the 1990s and doesn't bat an eye. As far as I can tell, having him come from the 1940s was purely to justify his choice in suits. The roles of women are kind of pathetic. Holli Would, the main female character, is kind of just a crazy whore. Brad Pitt's animated girlfriend does nothing but whine. While not a feminist masterpiece, it serves its purpose. The back of the box uses the word "splashy". It fits.
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