Method of Acquisition: Borrowed
Runtime: TBD Year: TBD
Plot: Josh Hartnett tries to solve a murder
Review: Really really really slow. There are plot twists but it takes so long to get to them I don't even think they count. The wardrobe was pretty sweet. There were lots of good hats. Every murder mystery needs a creepy clown painting. It was cute that Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart were besties who boxed and solved crimes together and call themselves Mr. Fire and Mr. Ice. If the movie had been cut down to an hour, it could have been rad. Unfortunately, it wasn't
Showing posts with label single-tear crying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label single-tear crying. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Day 18: Immortel Ad Vitam
Method of Acquisition: Borrowed
Runtime: TBD Year:TBD
Plot: Horus (the god) comes back to a futuristic world to impregnate a mutant with blue hair while in the body of a man with a metal leg.
Review: This is absolutely the hardest movie to pay attention to even while looking at the screen the whole time. So much weird shit happens in the background that it is impossible to focus on everything. Also Horus who is a man with a bird head talks through his neck. Some people are computer animated. Some are not. Oh and weird little dudes come out of the walls. So entertaining
Runtime: TBD Year:TBD
Plot: Horus (the god) comes back to a futuristic world to impregnate a mutant with blue hair while in the body of a man with a metal leg.
Review: This is absolutely the hardest movie to pay attention to even while looking at the screen the whole time. So much weird shit happens in the background that it is impossible to focus on everything. Also Horus who is a man with a bird head talks through his neck. Some people are computer animated. Some are not. Oh and weird little dudes come out of the walls. So entertaining
Monday, September 6, 2010
Day 12: The Final
Method of Acquisition: Borrowed
Runtime: 99 minutes Year: 2010
Plot: Tired of being bullied, a group of outcasts crash a costume party in masks, drug the punch, tie everyone together, and promise to torture them. The outcasts crash a costume party in masks, drug the punch, tie everyone together, and promise to torture them.
Review: I guessed what the death order would be: slut, slut, black guy, slut, white guy, slut, white guy or something close to that. Then the day would be saved by the most virginal girl. Instead, white guys got tortured more than any other group. The black guy is smart enough to grab the weapon of a dead cop while running away, and saves the day. Another great moment: the one outcast girl simulates single-tear crying through her mask.
I am so used to horror movies being the most racist and sexist genre with absolutely no morals. This had nothing but morals. If you are having problems, building a sense of community is the best way to solve it. Don't be mean to people because they may want revenge. Don't be racist or you may get some spikes through the crotch. Don't be shallow because you may end up with acid on your face. Don't chop off your really nice girlfriend's fingers, because some Degrassi kid may sever your spinal cord. Always have an exit strategy. And most importantly, if running for your life, ALWAYS GRAB THE FIRST WEAPON YOU CAN FIND.
Runtime: 99 minutes Year: 2010
Plot: Tired of being bullied, a group of outcasts crash a costume party in masks, drug the punch, tie everyone together, and promise to torture them. The outcasts crash a costume party in masks, drug the punch, tie everyone together, and promise to torture them.
Review: I guessed what the death order would be: slut, slut, black guy, slut, white guy, slut, white guy or something close to that. Then the day would be saved by the most virginal girl. Instead, white guys got tortured more than any other group. The black guy is smart enough to grab the weapon of a dead cop while running away, and saves the day. Another great moment: the one outcast girl simulates single-tear crying through her mask.
I am so used to horror movies being the most racist and sexist genre with absolutely no morals. This had nothing but morals. If you are having problems, building a sense of community is the best way to solve it. Don't be mean to people because they may want revenge. Don't be racist or you may get some spikes through the crotch. Don't be shallow because you may end up with acid on your face. Don't chop off your really nice girlfriend's fingers, because some Degrassi kid may sever your spinal cord. Always have an exit strategy. And most importantly, if running for your life, ALWAYS GRAB THE FIRST WEAPON YOU CAN FIND.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Day 5: Artifacts
Method of Acquisition: Borrowed
Runtime: 75 minutes Year: 2007
Plot: A group of friends that don't remember how they met keep getting killed by their doubles who are tracking them through "artefacts".
Review: This is the Schindler's List of crap movies. First off the set design includes rotary phones, lava lamps, and indoor wind chimes. Despite the title being Artifacts, they misspell it as "artefacts" in a search engine. The only crying is single-tear crying. A mysterious man named Carl Francken appears and does nothing but give incredibly vague yet helpful advice and saves the day. In 75 minutes, it does nothing but provide mass entertainment.
Runtime: 75 minutes Year: 2007
Plot: A group of friends that don't remember how they met keep getting killed by their doubles who are tracking them through "artefacts".
Review: This is the Schindler's List of crap movies. First off the set design includes rotary phones, lava lamps, and indoor wind chimes. Despite the title being Artifacts, they misspell it as "artefacts" in a search engine. The only crying is single-tear crying. A mysterious man named Carl Francken appears and does nothing but give incredibly vague yet helpful advice and saves the day. In 75 minutes, it does nothing but provide mass entertainment.
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